


Not Gay

by aphenglandstan



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Gay Male Character, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 18:17:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18761800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphenglandstan/pseuds/aphenglandstan
Summary: Alfred was sure that he was straight. And he didn't really want to be associated with gay people, anyways.





	Not Gay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ansomniac](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ansomniac/gifts).



> This might be the longest thing I've ever written. Happy best friendship to @Ansomniac, WHO LITERALLY WROTE ME AN 11K WORD FIC THAT HAD ME SOBBING. SERIOUSLY, CHECK OUT HER ACCOUNT. ALL HER FICS ARE AMAZING.

I wasn’t gay. I wasn’t gay or bi or any of those other orientations. I was an average, straight, man.

Of course, I supported people who were those things. I wouldn’t hold anything against them.

Would I run them out of my house or hate them? No.

Would I think a little differently if I noticed them acting a little too friendly with me? Yes, but who wouldn’t? It would be just like if I noticed straight girls acting a little too friendly. I was never too good at telling when someone was flirting with me in the first place, so knowing who was gay and who was straight definitely helped.

But the LGBT community wasn’t something that I really gave much thought. I was kinda just neutral on it.

\-------------------------- 

When the topic was thrown out during debate club, I felt rather sure of myself. I could argue for or against LGBT rights. I was excited, and ready to win the mock debate, no matter which side I ended up on.

“The topic is LGBT rights. Mr. Kirkland and Mr. Jones will be Team A,” Mr. Layfield announced, “And Ms. Johnsons and Mr. Lee will be Team B.”

I smiled. Arthur- Arthur Kirkland- was my best friend. We’d known each other since he was like ten and he moved to America from England. Somehow, we ended up sixteen and going to the same high school. He was the one who got me to join Debate. I only really joined because he seemed to enjoy it so much. We really were inseparable.

“Heads will be for arguing pro-LGBT and tails will be for arguing anti-LGBT.” Mr. Layfield handed me the quarter.

I flipped the coin, glancing down at it when it landed. “Tails.”

“So you and Arthur will be arguing against LGBT rights,” Mr. Layfield said, adjusting the papers in his hands.

“Okay,” I replied.

But Arthur didn’t accept that. He crossed one leg over the other and tilted his head up towards the ceiling.

Looking high-and-mighty as ever, he glared at our teacher. “My sincerest apologies, Mr. Layfield, but I absolutely refuse to argue this point.”

“Arthur, for debate, you have to put aside all personal opinions,” Mr. Layfield started.

“Oh, so you’re one of _those_ people. Human rights are not ‘personal opinions’, arsehole.” And with that, Arthur stormed out of the room.

“Yeah, fuck you!” Naturally, I followed. Being with Arthur was nice, and we were best friends. So I followed him. I didn’t quite understand why Arthur was upset, but I knew that he was absolutely _pissed_. And if he was pissed, then I was pissed, too.

He didn’t notice me following, but I didn’t shout or anything. I noticed him rushing into the bathroom. I assumed that he was going to be sick. Or maybe he just needed to take a leak.  
I didn’t really care which one it was. I still waited outside the stall door for him.

But what I wasn’t expecting was to hear loud sobs coming from the stall that he locked himself in. It kinda freaked me out. Arthur had always had a life rule about crying. And he never did it in public. The only times he ever cried were in his room. Sometimes he let me stay there for some company while he cried, but he never did it anywhere that there was even a possibility that someone else could hear. In elementary school, when he wasn’t getting ignored, he was getting bullied. So he ended up trying to keep a tough guy face in high school. He’d never even broken face in public.

I quietly knocked on the stall door. “Arthur? Are you okay?”

He pulled the door open. And then I was looking into his green eyes, looking puffy and lined with red. His crying was much quieter, but still kinda loud and breathy. And the steady flow of tears down his cheeks was telling me that he was definitely not okay.

“Alfred, was I really just supposed to advocate against LGBT rights? Were _you_ really about to do it? That’s fucked up.”

“Well, debate isn't about opinion-” I could barely even finish the sentence before Arthur cut me off.

“Saying that people deserve rights isn’t a fucking opinion. Leave me alone.” Arthur kicked at me. Then his crying got loud again.

“Arthur, I’m sorry. I just-”

“Promise you won’t hate me!” Arthur gripped my jacket, his face wild with desperation and fear and so much emotion that I wasn’t sure I could handle what he was going to say.

“I could never hate you, Arthur,” I tried to reassure him. Then I pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back gently. “Shh, you’ll be okay. I could never hate you.”

“I’m gay, Alfred,” Arthur muttered between sobs.

And I let go of him just like that. I was sure that being in my arms wasn’t too important to him. I’d always feared that I was being a little too affectionate with him, but that was just the kind of person I was. I hoped that I wasn’t coming off as like, _gay_ to him. Because that wasn’t what I wanted. I just wanted to be his best friend.

“Alfred.” He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath and wiping tears out of his eyes. “I never told you why I stay after on Mondays and Wednesdays.”

“No… you never did.” I slowly made my way out of the stall so that we weren’t in close confines. I wouldn’t judge him for being gay, but being in a cramped bathroom stall? With a gay guy? It just wouldn’t work. And if anyone walked in on it… well, I just didn’t want to be in that situation.

“Well, there’s a GSA and I always stay after for it and I…” He took another deep breath. “Well, I was wondering if you’d come with me.”

“What’s a GSA?” I hoped it wasn’t something about his sexuality. I couldn’t judge him for being that way, but I didn’t want people to think that _I_ was gay or something. Because I wasn’t. And I was already one of the smallest kids on the football team. I didn’t need any more reasons to be targeted.

“A gay-straight alliance. It’s a safe place where people who aren’t straight can feel free to be themselves and people who are allies can come to help support them.” Arthur started to look a little more chipper as he described it.

And I couldn’t help but accept. Because even if he was gay, he was still my Arthur. My best friend. 

“Of course I’ll go with you!” But the words left a bitter taste in my mouth. I’d have to watch my back going in and out of that place. If anyone saw Arthur and I coming out of a school club for gay kids and supporters of gay kids… well, they definitely wouldn’t think that we were just supporters.

\-------------------------- 

I wasn’t ready for the GSA club meeting. I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants and waited at my locker, hoping that maybe Arthur wouldn’t show up. Or that I could fake sick and run home. But Arthur arrived quickly, despite the fact that his locker was pretty far from mine- and mine was much closer to the GSA club room.

“I brought a change of clothes for it, today. They said I could wear my pride flag shirt.” Arthur held up a plastic bag that seemed to be full of clothes.

I noticed that the grin on his face was totally genuine. Arthur didn’t have a grin like that very often. So I couldn’t let him down.

“The bathroom’s right over there. I’ll wait outside the door for you.” I reluctantly walked over to the door, waiting patiently as he walked in to change.

When he came out, he was still beaming. If anything, his smile got brighter. Instead of the uniform, he had on a rainbow flag shirt and some torn skinny jeans that hugged his lower body rather tightly. But I didn’t really pay attention to the jeans. After all, all skinny jeans were tight. That’s why they were called ‘skinny jeans’. What I really cared about was how obviously gay he looked. He was wearing a rainbow flag tee-shirt. If anyone saw me with him- well, they’d assume the worst. So I tried to linger a few steps behind him as we walked, whistling inconspicuously.

But I feared that he could tell why I was walking so far behind him.

\-------------------------- 

Arthur walked in and was treated kindly from the second he walked into the door. They also treated me nicely, even when I assured them that I was straight. It was really nice. But I kept my hood up. The fact that they were nice didn’t change the fact that I really didn’t want to be associated with them.

The next week, Arthur and I skipped debate.

“Do you wanna go grab some McDonald’s?” I asked, grateful that there was one in walking distance of our school.

“That junk food?” Arthur asked, despite the fact that I knew he secretly enjoyed it.

“Yup,” I replied, popping the ‘p’.

“Why not?” He asked with a shrug.

And it felt far more comfortable then it did when he first came out. I wasn’t sure if it was me getting more accepting or the fact that it wasn’t obvious that he was gay at the moment.  
Either way, it was good.

\-------------------------- 

I continued going to the GSA club. It made Arthur happy to have me there. And even if he was gay, he was still my Arthur. The one that I knew and loved. Platonically, of course. But I loved him nonetheless. I was closer to him than anyone else on Earth. And damn if I was going to let his homosexuality get in the way.

I knew that I kept going to the GSA meetings for Arthur. But I wasn’t quite sure whether I was going because he wanted me there or if i was going because I wanted to stay close to him. It was all just confusing.

\--------------------------

Arthur invited me to go stargazing on his roof and I felt a weird fluttering in my chest. I’m sure it was because of the stargazing. It had always been one of my favorite things to do. After all, I planned to go into astrology once I grew up. I wanted to work for NASA.

Arthur knew that. I always told him things like that. He knew all of my hopes and my dreams. And it was so like him to invite me over to do one of my favorite things.

I opened the door to see Mr. and Mrs. Kirkland sitting at the table together.

“Arthur’s upstairs, sweetheart. And don’t get up to any funny business.” Mrs. Kirkland laughed at her own words, gesturing for me to go upstairs.

So I did. Arthur was already on the roof.

“Alfred, can I talk to you about something?” Arthur’s voice had a tinge of sadness around the edges.

“Anything.” My reply was quick.

“You’ve seemed to back away from me a little bit since I came out. I’m not sure if you mean to be homophobic, but it’s kind of coming off that way. I just don’t want to ruin things between us.” Arthur sighed.

“I’m not trying to be homophobic! I’m trying to be a good ally for you, but it all feels a little bit weird.” I couldn’t help whining a little bit. It just felt somewhat off to just be an ally. But I knew that I was straight.

“Do you think it’s internalized homophobia?” Arthur asked.

I just stared at him blankly.

“You know… internalized homophobia.” Arthur used his hands a lot when he talked. It was something that I’d always noticed about him. He was expressive.

“I’m not sure that I _do_ know what internalized homophobia is.” I felt dumb not knowing anything about the LGBT community. I wanted to support my best friend. How was I supposed to be with him every step of the way if I had no way of knowing how to walk him through it?

“Well.” Arthur tapped his chin, thinking. “Society has never thought very highly of LGBT people. So naturally a lot of stereotypes and assumptions get stuck in people’s heads. Like everyone in the community being dirty and unholy. Gay is even used as an insult. The whole LGBT community is just seen as ‘wrong’ to the world. Despite the fact that it’s not true, even people in the community can end up brainwashed by it. And end up so deep in denial that they can never accept themselves. Or just end up hurting others. Sometimes both.” Arthur just sounded exhausted. I knew he wasn’t physically tired.

But I looked away from the sky to look at Arthur. He was looking up, and I was looking at him. And my heart beat in a strange way. I’d tried to ignore it for too long. The way that I felt about Arthur. It lingered at the back of my brain. And it wasn’t the feeling of a best friend. It wasn’t the way that I’d felt about him for most of my life. It was feelings that had come to the surface even before he came out to me. But I didn’t want to believe that they were there. I’d never felt that way about a boy before, but I just knew one thing on that starry night. I knew that I wanted to kiss my best friend. I wanted to kiss my best friend, Arthur Kirkland. 

And once I let the thought into my mind, I felt a strange sense of relief. Of course, it was accompanied by even more detailed thoughts. Thoughts that I’d been holding back for far too long. Yes, I wanted to kiss Arthur Kirkland. I wanted to kiss him until he couldn’t breathe. I wanted to kiss him until he pulled away and breathlessly whispered my name. I wanted to touch him like boys can touch boys or girls or whoever they wanted to touch. All I knew was that he was the one who I felt that way for. And I’d been trying to hold all of those emotions. I didn’t know whether it was out of fear of judgement or that internalized homophobia. Probably a mixture of both. But once I realized that the emotions I felt for Arthur were romantic, I couldn’t help but think of more of him.

But a part of me knew that I couldn’t kiss him right there. Just because he defined some stupid phrase and I had some stupid epiphany didn’t mean that I wasn’t seriously an asshole about him being gay, before. So I’d seriously need to do something to prove my love.

“I have to go,” I awkwardly squeaked out, going back through the window and running out of Arthur’s house.

I sat on the curb out front- I had nowhere else to go- and thought about things. I just sat on that curb in front of Arthur’s house. Because I needed to think stuff over. I needed to think _Arthur_ stuff over.

My feelings. And what I could do to show them to Arthur. How I could make that grand gesture.

I knew that Arthur was a classy guy.

I rushed back into his house, quickly finding his mom and dad at the kitchen table.

“Mr. and Mrs. Kirkland,” I said, solemnly, “May I please have your blessing in asking your son to be my boyfriend?”

They shared a look, before Mrs. Kirkland answered. “You have our blessing, sure. But Arthur’s decision is the final one.”

“Of course! I understand that.”

“Oh, and if you break his heart, remember that I’m an antique collector… with many old British knives that haven’t dulled over the years.” Mr. Kirkland had always been like that. Rather protective of Arthur.

“Don’t worry! I won’t let you down.” And with that, I sprinted up the stairs and crashed into Arthur’s room.

He was just lying on his bed, looking mopey. The blanket that he brought outside to stargaze with me lied barely used on his bedroom floor.

“I love you!” I shouted at him. “Now let’s get the fuckin stargazing _**on**_!

“Leave me alone,” he snapped, turning towards me.

“What?!”

“Stop it. My sexual orientation isn’t some stupid joke. I don’t want to be the punchline to your jokes.” Arthur sounded absolutely crushed.

“No, you don’t get it! I talked to your parents and they gave me their blessing and I really do love you!”

“Stop it, Alfred. I don’t think you understand how much you’re HURTING ME!” Arthur was practically screaming by the end of his sentence. He threw a pillow at me and I took that as my cue to leave.

Grand gesture one?: A complete failure.

“But Arthur? Please remember that I really do love you. And I care more about you than any stupid reputation.”

“Then maybe you could show it instead of avoiding me at school like I’m some sort of freak show.” Arthur’s voice was wobbling and I could tell that he was trying to keep it steady. Maybe he was close to tears.

All I really knew was that he didn’t want me there.

So I left.

\-------------------------- 

English class was Arthur’s favorite. Our seats that we picked at the beginning of the year were next to each other. It was sweet.

But Arthur was just paying attention. He didn’t need to pay full attention. We usually passed notes full of whatever we felt like writing and telling each other.

And Arthur always got amazing grades, nonetheless. But he didn’t do any of that. He just paid close attention.

“Today we’ll be working on poetry,” Ms. Brown announced to the class.

Poetry was something that Arthur always enjoyed writing. It was also something that he always enjoyed reading. And that’s when the idea hit me for another grand gesture.

My hand shot up like a bullet.

Ms. Brown called on me and I felt a goofy grin spread across my face.

Arthur glared at the dopey expression on my face, but I ignored it.

“Does it have to rhyme?” I asked.

“No. All that it has to do is come from within.” Ms. Brown was a great English teacher.

\-------------------------- 

I finished mine pretty quickly. Ms. Brown let me go on my phone while I waited for everyone else to finish. It was fun.

But when it was finally time to present our poems, my palms were sweaty and my heart was racing.

But I wasn’t embarrassed. I couldn’t be.

“Go ahead, Alfred. Take the stage.” Ms. Brown gave the class a smile.

“Uh, well… it’s called ‘Arthur’.

Once, I was young

And very naïve

I didn’t know what to do

So I tried to fit in

And I went along 

With what everyone else was doing

Which was bringing others down

Which was why I felt so embarrassed 

When I first fell in love

I never wanted to be brought down like that

But one boy could break down

All of my walls

And get me to feel good again”

There were people laughing. A few pointed and jeered. But others just looked really uncomfortable.

I didn’t care. I continued on. The only person I cared about in that moment was Arthur.

“I fell for him quickly

But I didn’t even notice

The lines between

Wanting to be friends

And wanting something more

Were so strange and blurred

But he’s gay

And that made me feel

Like maybe it’s okay

If I’m not straight

Like maybe it’s okay

If I was head over heels

For him”

I took a deep breath and took a bow.

Most people were still mocking me. But I didn’t care. I looked at Arthur’s face and he looked touched by it.

And that was all I really needed.

Of course, making out in the bathroom during school hours sure wasn’t bad either.

\-------------------------- 

I wasn’t gay. I turned out to be proudly bi. I may have been an average man, but I sure as hell wasn’t straight. Would a straight man marry his male childhood best friend because he ended up in love? I don’t think so.

And I knew that if Arthur and I ever adopted, I would definitely make sure that our child knew that people like Arthur and I- LGBT people- were real. And not nasty. Or something to be made fun of.

Because love trumps all.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments help to fuel my writing and my inspiration! It would be greatly appreciated if you left one! :)
> 
> I might've rushed into their love aspect, but honestly, when people first find out that they're not straight. And their feelings all have an explanation. That's what it feels like. (At least, that's what it felt like for me.)


End file.
